Fighting the Green-Eyed Monster…Or Not

by Meryl K Evans | Category: Books, Meryl's Notes Blog, Writing 8 comments

you cant drink all day Fighting the Green Eyed Monster...Or Not Welcome to meryl’s notes blog (this here place you’re lookin’ at) in Plano, Texas (OK, the blog doesn’t live on a server in my house — but that’s where you’ll find me… in Plano, not in the server). We’re honored to be a stop in Celia Rivenbark’s WOW! Women On Writing Blog tour. Here’s a bit about fellow southerner Celia… Yes, Texas counts as the South not the West! (Stay tuned in this long post if ya wanna win this book!)

About Celia Rivenbark

Celia Rivenbark dishes essays about the old south, the new south, and everything in between in her fifth book You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning Fighting the Green Eyed Monster...Or Not . In addition to a collection of essays so funny you’ll shoot co’cola out of your nose, Celia gives readers a treasure trove of Southern recipes and the hilarious stories behind them.

For eight years Celia wrote for her hometown paper, the Wallace, NC Enterprise. She covered everything from weddings to funky fruit to dead bodies (sometimes all in the same day). But the big city beckoned so Celia packed her bags and headed to Wilmington, NC and the Morning Star. More weddings but eventually she achieved every Southern girl’s dream. She was paid to be a smart ass (a.k.a. write a humor column).

Along the way she found herself a husband (the sports writer, of course–they are the cutest guys at the paper!), a beautiful baby daughter and a gig as a stay-at-home mom. After her 3,000th diaper change, Celia starting writing a humor column for the Sun News in Myrtle Beach, SC. After all, what’s funnier than 3000 dirty diapers? Laugh along with Celia on her WOW Blog Tour–dates are listed at www.wow-womenonwriting.com/blog.html. Visit Celia at www.celiarivenbark.com.

This gal is funny. Put down your drink unless you don’t mind that liquid in the nose thing. Here she talks about the green-eyed monster. Oh my goodness. I’ve met that thing a few times myself and it ain’t purty, but I shush it and play nice. I do, too! Anyhoo… All yours, Celia… No, please leave the server there and start typin’. icon smile Fighting the Green Eyed Monster...Or Not

Fighting the Green-Eyed Monster…Or Not by Celia Rivenbark

I’ve always wanted to be one of those classy people who heaps genuine praise on my published friends. I want to gush and purely ooze heartfelt wishes that their Amazon ranking never rises above 1,000. Low is good in Amazonland, you know.

I want to be that person but I’m not very good at it. Because, the horrible truth is that I am painfully, shockingly, horrifically jealous when a writer-friend does better than me.

Which happens a lot since you ask.

Sometimes, though, I try to do the right thing. Listen up.

A couple of years ago, I was attending the Southern Independent Booksellers Association convention in Orlando. About 15 of us author types were doing what amounted to speed-dating. We’d already speed-eaten a couple of tiny ham and cheese on yeast roll thingies before being told to work the crowd, spending 10 minutes at each table, charming bookstore owners from across the Southeast.

All the other authors were familiar to me. We’d traveled in the same circles more than once. It was not, to use a cliché that I just love for no real reason, our first rodeo.

But there was a shy, quiet fellow at our authors’ table. As we wolfed our mini-subs and got ready to rumble, I decided it was my Christian duty to drag him into the conversation. He barely made eye contact. Poor lil fella, I thought. He’s overwhelmed by all of us big-shot authors. Clearly he was a convention virgin.

Is it enough to say that I talked the poor man’s ears off, sharing my sorta-vast knowledge of all things regional book tour? Is it enough to say that he listened quietly and politely even, at one point, smiling a bit?

Is it enough to say that all of a sudden the convention chair walked up and began to talk to the poor soul, earnestly complimenting him on his Pulitzer AND his National Book Award?

Oh. Let me just take my impossibly dumb ass and lumber across the room to charm the book-buyers. Who by now were all atwitter about having such a distinguished guest in their midst.

I’m not being small when I say I can’t remember his name. They say the mind forgets truly intense pain.

Since then, I’ve chatted up David Sedaris and John Updike. And, no, I didn’t ask Updike to detail my car or mistake Sedaris for a hungry drifter and offer to buy him a Hardees Thickburger, which, let’s be honest, he really looks like he could use. Bless his heart.

Three years ago, my book made it to the final five in a national humor contest. Sedaris won. Funny, skinny bastard.

Ditto another book a couple of years later. Oh? What’s this? You really think Jon Stewart and gazillion-member “staff” is more deserving? Okie-freakin’-dokie.

This summer, my most recent book made it to the final three for the best nonfiction book of the year in the South. But what’s this? Another Pulitzer winner beat the snot out of me to take that one. I HATE HIM.

Oh, just joshing. I’m sure he’s a delightful fellow and there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that he is covered entirely in scales below the neck.

Yes, I want to be magnanimous, gracious and giving but, as you can see, it’s not working out too well. If they gave out Pulitzers for simply being a foul-mouthed, small-minded egotist, I’d win. Nah, who am I kidding? Kanye would beat me on that one.

Meryl here again. Good stuff, eh? You can get more goodies like this from You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning Fighting the Green Eyed Monster...Or Not . Ah, good thing I always have a cuppa Joe first thing in the morning… oh wait, that’s not the kind of drinking she’s talking about, is she? Back to bidness, you wanna win my copy of this book, dontcha? Yes, the things I do for you. Oh, it’s a great book (here’s the book review for all to see) not some lousy one I’m willing to dump on someone else.

Leave a 50+ word comment in this post by 11:59pm on October 13. That’s all ya gotta do to be entered to win this book. Share a story or whatever strikes ya. The objective and robotic Random.org will pick the winner.

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8 comments

  • Posted by George Angus on October 6th, 2009, 9:01 AM

    Hey Meryl,

    I’m keeping it under 50 ’cause I already won something.

    Love love love this post and I’m going to add the book to my Amazon Christmas list.

    Cheers

    George
    .-= George Angus’s blog …New Twitter User Name =-.

  • Posted by drew on October 6th, 2009, 1:17 PM

    Meryl,
    What a joy to discover your blog. Great content, and a great introduction to Celia Rivenbark. She’s hilarious.

    While I don’t live in the South, I sure appreciate day-long drinking. I could learn more if I had the book! Please sign me up, count me in, and add me to your objective, robotic pool of random.

    With thanks,
    Drew

  • Posted by Karen Swim on October 8th, 2009, 9:49 AM

    Meryl, I feel bad for entering to take away your copy of the book, but who are we kidding I was laughing my tail off and I want that book! So as a dyed in the wool Westerner, (what does that expression mean anyway?) I can say that the humor translates quite nicely, thank you very much. Okay, so I don’t live in the West anymore, technically it’s Midwest but we’re on Eastern Standard Time, go figure. I live in a state that no one wants to claim but it’s definitely not the South. Celia is funny and just won a new fan. Granted, I can’t give her a Pulitzer but by golly I can chat away about her books until people are so sick of me they’ll buy. Well, I might rethink that strategy but you get the picture.
    .-= Karen Swim’s blog …FTC Guidelines on Endorsements and Testimonials =-.

  • Posted by Jennifer Roland on October 9th, 2009, 11:39 AM

    The real question is whether the weddings, funky fruit, and dead bodies ever appeared in the same story, because that would be one hell of a wedding video. It would beat out that silly dancing vows video, hands-down.

    Anyway, I’m always on the lookout for some new funny women. The dudes get all the airplay, but we all know that women have the funniest stories.
    .-= Jennifer Roland’s blog …Writing Roundup, October 9 =-.

  • Posted by Sonia Schenker on October 10th, 2009, 10:30 AM

    Meryl,

    Thanks for the spit-take warning; it’s tough to get spots off of the laptop screen.

    I was drawn in by the title alone – but since I’m much deeper than that, I read the entire post. This leads me here, a non-writer gathering the guts to comment on a real writer’s blog. (Nobody is accusing this displaced New Yawka of being overly bright!)

    I must read Celia’s book – and then share it with my family – a clever (read “smartass”) group that equal-opportunity criticizes, elevating envy to the level of art form. An enchanting gang, but I love them!

  • Posted by Debra Marrs on October 12th, 2009, 10:51 AM

    What!?! This post is rollicking laugh-out-loud funny so who wouldn’t want the book? I had to set aside my drink (a little early for the hard stuff unless you consider Starbucks lattes hard) lest I spill it from my boisterous laughter. I can only imagine what I’ll find tucked between the covers of You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning. From now on, Celia Rivenbark will be synonymous when I mention Sedaris and Stewart. Pick me! Please?
    .-= Debra Marrs’s blog …The Secrets of Publishing Success – Jane Friedman’s 2009 Tough Love Guide =-.

  • Posted by Links: Red Ribbon Week 2009 Edition | Meryl.net on October 16th, 2009, 9:26 AM

    […] but it’s a week of schools talking about drugs and its dangers. Next order of business: The winner of Celia Rivenbark’s You Can’t Drink All Day, If You Don’t Start in the Mor… is Jennifer Roland. Next book up for winnin’: No Limits. Articles with valuable […]

  • Posted by Chasing away the Jealousy Greens | Meryl.net on March 16th, 2010, 4:17 PM

    […] Rivenbark has a great guest post here about Fighting the Green-Eyed Monster that describes how I feel once in a while when I let my amygdala (the caveman brain) do the leading […]

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