Meryl's dad, the Good Humor Man in Brooklyn, NY

And now for something different. Don’t worry — it’s not a regular occurence. You’ll still get your writing, networking, teching and other stuff next time.

Today I’m participating in a mass blogging! WOW! Women On Writing has gathered a group of blogging buddies to write about family relationships. Why family relationships? We’re celebrating the release of Therese Walsh’s debut novel today. The Last Will of Moira Leahy, (Random House, October 13, 2009) is about a mysterious journey that helps a woman learn more about herself and her twin, whom she lost when they were teenagers. See the widget below to read three chapters of the book.

Visit The Muffin to read what Therese has to say about family relationships and view the list of all my blogging buddies. And make sure you visit Therese’s web site to find out more about the author.

Unless you’re a multiple, you’ve probably wondered what it’d be like to have a twin. I have. The closest most of us singles come to having a twin is meeting or hearing about a doppelganger. I’ve encountered one … twice.

The first was at an event when someone said I looked just like a relative that she almost mistook me for her. The second time happened when I came across a phone ad that I thought I blanked out on a modeling assignment (HA!).

As soon as my dad found a copy, he showed it to everyone claiming it was me. That was Dad. He took pride in his three kids that he’d bragged about us as much as possible. We never needed to worry about bragging — we had Dad for that. He was a fabulous guy. Born and raised in Brooklyn. Sold Good Humor ice cream. Had a football scholarship that he didn’t take. Went into the Air Force, which led him to Fort Worth where he met Mom.

Dad had one annoyance. He could act obnoxious at times. “Ow, my arm hurts,” I’d say.

“Want me to cut it off and make it feel better?” he’d reply. He’d often say, “Drink coffee! It puts hair on your chest.”

Sometimes he didn’t know when to quit.

And that’s a trait I’ve gotten from him! I find myself saying stuff like that to the kids, but at least I know to stop right away. I can’t imagine how it comes across with my deaf accent — maybe not funny at all. So I’ve learned to add “I’m just kidding” whenever I joke around to make sure people know I’m funning with ‘em. I’m trying to cut it out even though it’s often me being playful with the kids.

My middle child also acts this way. And like Dad, he doesn’t know when to quit.

So yes, I’ve encountered the dreaded, “Oh my gosh, I am my mom!” or “I’m channeling Dad again!”

This kind of explains why some kids from abusive homes turn around and become abusers themselves even though they hated it as children. I’m just grateful this behavior is more of an annoyance than something serious. Besides, it can be funny sometimes.

How have you found yourself copying your parents or other family members? How do you handle it?

While working for a company, I moved to another position within the same company for a promotion. It was exciting to switch from process management to marketing. It didn’t take long to regret the change. The person I thought I would report to went on a special project and never returned. She had such an energy that I knew I’d love working for her and learning from her. I ended up reporting to someone who would make a great coworker instead of a manager. I also discovered morale was in the basement with this department. A total shift from my previous one.

Then came the waves of nausea to take the situation to a new low. I discovered I was pregnant with number two. Instead of being excited, I was miserable. I liked the company, yet I couldn’t transfer because I hadn’t been in the new job long enough. The excitement of another baby couldn’t bring me out of the darkness of my job situation. After all, I had the nausea thing happening causing me to feel green whenever I drove to the office.

My only choice for getting out of the situation was to leave the company. I landed an interview with another company and the job sounded like it was written with me in mind. But I had a new dilemma that I had never faced before and no one else to ask. Should I tell the hiring manager I was pregnant? I researched this and asked around including a friend who worked in human resources. No one had definitive answers. I knew I couldn’t be the first dealing with this, but I couldn’t find anyone who had.

If I didn’t tell her, I felt like I was cheating her and not being truthful. If I told her, I could lose the opportunity to move to a better position and a happier situation.

I went to the company’s building and met with the manager and a colleague. They explained the position, expectations and hopes for the team. We all clicked.

Then I met with the manager in a one-on-one situation. We had a friendly conversation and she confirmed I was one of the finalists for the job. I paused. Let out deep breath. I explained to her I was in a situation and I felt the right thing to do was to tell her. So there, I told her I was three months pregnant. She responded like coworkers do when they heard of such exciting news.

That company was the last one I worked for before becoming a full-time freelancer. I landed the job and stayed with them for seven years. Interesting twist. The manager took a new job while I was on maternity leave. I returned from leave with no manager and only one colleague left behind (we had four of us when I started). That was another adventure, but one that set me on the path toward my freelance writing career.

So while I regretted accepting the promotion, it sent me on my way to eventually landing my first paid writing gig and becoming a full-time freelancer. Had I stayed with the original company, that might have never happened.

This post is an entry in the What I Learned from Adversity group writing project.

By the way, I had a third child. That was a breeze to announce to the boss as I was still with the company and it had been over three years since #2 arrived.

Bullying today looks nothing like bullying 15 years ago. While many of the things we know about bullying from our childhood years remain true, bullies can now follow their victims 24/7 using the Internet and cell phones. Bullyproof Your Child for Life quotes the National Girl Scouts Research Institute and Harris Interactive report, which states the number one fear of girls ages 8 through 17 is teasing. This topped war, terrorism, and natural disasters.

The media and parents also contribute to the increasing occurrences of bullying. We see more violence on TV, commercials, video games, song lyrics. Furthermore, many parents don’t realize they’re setting a poor example for their children. For example, Haber shares an experience in talking with a mother who approaches him in a coffee shop. She asks for help with her child’s reputation as a gossip. Haber advises her only to hear that he meets her friends at their table where she proceeds to gossip about a neighbor. Bewildering, isn’t it?

The book begins with details about bullying and why it happens. Chapter two offers tactics for dealing with a bullying situation. The rest of the book explores situations, what works, and what doesn’t work.

The rest of the book’s contents follow the coffee shop example in telling stories and offering clear and understandable advice without the jargon. Accompanying every chapter are stories related to its topic, which cover bullying in school, camp, sports, and online.

Books in this category of non-fiction where the topic is painful and not fun can easily turn into books for helping people fall asleep at night. Haber and Glatzer do a first-rate job of using the tone needed for this sensitive topic. It doesn’t get emotionally heavy nor does it scare the reader. There are a couple of grim stories in the book — rightfully so — and the authors follow up with details and support.

I also appreciate the chapter on special needs and disability harassment especially as a person who is deaf. The chapter gives greater focus on educating others to prevent them from bullying special needs children. It briefly goes into how to help a special needs child who is the subject of bullying. However, much of the advice throughout the book can help special needs children and work in most situations no matter where they occur.

Stopping a bully doesn’t happen overnight, but Bullyproof Your Child for Life avoids overwhelming the reader with its doable suggestions. While the book doesn’t require reading from cover to cover, it’s beneficial to read the whole thing once — it’s surprisingly a fast and easy read. Parents, educators, and adults working with children can refer back to find what they need and take action based on the advice.

• Title: Bullyproof Your Child for Life: Protect Your Child from Teasing, Taunting, and Bullying for Good
• Author: Joel Haber, Ph.D. with Jenna Glatzer
• Publisher: Perigee
• ISBN: 0399533184
• Date: August 2007
• Format: Paperback
• Pages: 304
• Cover Price: USD: $14.95; Amazon: $10.17

My independent school district is big on technology and added several new services this year. Kids hate it. Parents love it and sometimes hate it.

Meals

We’ve been able to add money to our kids’ lunch accounts for a few years now, but they switched services to one that charges a small fee and allows us to pay for other things. PayPams offers more features including the ability to see what our kids buy for lunch. This is an excellent example of outsourcing. It would cost the district more money to expand its application than to outsource the service to a business that offers more features.

Last year, a kid stole money out of my daughter’s lunch account and we had to call the cafeteria manager to get a list of things bought. There it was. Hard evidence. An order on a day she was absent. Previously, kids only needed three digits to pay for their lunches. That’s changed to six digits. Plus, if a kid “forgot” his code — he could look it up in the list and see other codes.

Grades and Absences

This is the part kids despise and parents love, but sometimes hate. Not long after school started, we saw our daughter got a low grade and asked her about it. She couldn’t believe we knew about it and we told her about the new grade viewing application. Of course, she wasn’t happy that we can ask her about any out of ordinary grades.

But the drawback is that we panic more often than before. A couple of times, she had a low grade — when it came time for report cards, she got a good grade. Knowing how she’s doing helps us help her. She’s fiercely independent and usually doesn’t like to ask for help. She can also see what tests and quizzes are coming up (if the teacher enters it ahead of time).

Report cards don’t come out for over a week after the reporting period ends. We don’t have to anxiously wait for it and there are no surprises. Parents can also set up the system to notify them when a grade for a class falls below a number of their choice. The application also sends emails with grades based on the parents’ preferences.

One time I discovered she had an unexcused absence by signing on to the grade viewer. It was my fault and I corrected it right away. No waiting for the report card with the unexcused absence marked.

PTA

All levels of the PTA have great resources online. Guides for officers, logos for use in newsletters and web sites, rules for contests and much more. I manage the web sites for two school PTAs and one council PTA.

I manage the Reflections contest for one school. The form and rules are posted on the school’s PTA web site — so no killing trees by leaving forms at school where the middle schoolers often take for doodling purposes. I left forms at school in the office plus I made small postcards with the web address and spread them throughout the school.

Sports

I can see how other school volleyball teams are doing. I knew about the web site, but thought there was no information on volleyball because the pages were blank. The coach confirmed that this was the place to go for scores. I didn’t dig deep enough (the site isn’t well designed — even Paul thought the same thing).

The site shows scores for all middle school and high school sports. The scores, however, depend on the coaches entering the information.

School District Information

Our local district sends an email newsletter and schools can create their own distribution lists for sending emails. My child’s middle school emails every Friday with the upcoming week’s events along with any news and announcements.

Volunteers must register every new school year because the district runs criminal checks. Volunteers could commit a crime any time between school years. Our district’s web site allows us to register online every year. We have to do one thing offline — have a form notarized for the school.

The district’s web site also provides a web page for each school so we can get email addresses, contact names and phone numbers, and links to the school’s official web page. We also access grades, absences, and meal accounts from the web site.

Our newsletter editor and volunteer hardly has to set foot outside her home to get the newsletter approved and copied. She emails a PDF version for approval and then emails it to the printer for printing and delivery.

School Cam

My youngest attends preschool and we can view his classroom as well as a couple of central rooms like the gym and playground. Parents can only access the room their children are in and not others. I love checking on him and watch him interact with other kids. Kids tend to behave differently around parents, so it’s great seeing how he is with other kids.

What technology have you seen schools use to help parents and children?

Time for the next MWTR Blog Tour stop is with author Rachel Hamman of Bye-Bye Boardroom: Confessions from a New Breed of Stay-at-home Moms. The book is written in diary format, provides insights into the hearts and minds of almost 30 women who left the comfort of corner offices for the chaotic and most challenging positions of their lives — becoming full-time, stay-at-home moms.

She’s not your ordinary soccer mom. She has been named one of the “Most Remarkable Women” by Barbara Walter’s ABC show, The View. Rachel has been featured in Glamour magazine for her philanthropic advances and has also been recognized for her ongoing community endeavors by being tapped as one of the “Eckerd 100 Outstanding National Volunteers.”

I interviewed Rachel Hamman who shows that an unpublished writer can get there with a little networking and persistence.

How did you get started in writing?

I wrote poetry as a teenager and didn’t start writing again until 1 1/2
years ago. (Proving it’s never too late to start again!)

How did you come up with the idea for the book?

The idea for the book was taking a page out of my real life. (They do say
that truth is stranger than fiction!) After I started on the concept, I then
decided that it would be more interesting to include other short stories
from other Moms, like myself, who decided to trade in their corner office
for carpool duty.

How did you find and select contributors?

The contributors came from a variety of sources. Some were friends and some
were friends of friends. I posted request for story submissions on a few
separate mom-based websites, as well as taking out an ad in the back of
Parenting Magazine. Word of mouth proved to be the most successful method.

I am actually taking story submissions for my next book, Mortified Mommies. The stories I am seeking are ones where your ordinarily cherubic child did or said something to embarrass you. If you have ever been in the spot where your child made you laugh so hard you that you cried or he or she had you turning several shades of crimson, then no is your chance to get published! Visit my website: www.RachelHamman.com for more details.

How did you get recognized on The View?

Yes, I was on The View a few years back. I was nominated by my sister for “The Most Remarkable Woman” segment. They selected four women from across the country who had started different charitable organizations. They flew us to New York, took us to Bloomingdales to dress us for our appearance on the show. The charity received a $5,000 grant and I received a weekend with no children!

Did you have an agent before publishing your first book? If so, how did you select the person and why did you decide to have one?

I did not have an agent for the book, but it was not for lack of trying. I
had approached several agents with the idea for the book, and was given a
polite “Thank you, but no thank you” form letter. About the same time, a
friend of mine in the publishing industry gave my partial manuscript to
Capital Books and they loved the idea. So, it was a case of having friends
who happened to be pulling for me!

Thank you, Rachel!

This book appeared at the right time because I’ve been trying to cut down on yelling and work through problems by staying calm, which is the approach Runkel, a licensed family and marriage therapist, advocates. The book is an easy read and doesn’t overwhelm the parent with too many steps as self-help books often do.

The clear, direct, and humorous writing style allows parents with hectic lives to quickly read the book, absorb its concepts, and put them to use. Each chapter ends with reflection questions to reinforce the themes from the chapter. The book continues its effectiveness whether or not the reader answers the questions. However, thinking about the questions might shed light on you, your kids, and your relationships.

The concept of parents not letting their emotions guide their response to a child’s troubles is not new, but Runkel shares stories, experiences, and explanations on how to do it. Sure, junior spilling juice all over the carpet can make any parent mad, but dealing with the situation while maintaining control has better results than a scream fest, spanking, or arguing.

Though the book focuses on parenting, its concepts largely address ourselves as individuals. For we have to take care of us first before others. Instead of permissive or dictatorship parenting, Runkel encourages judo parenting, which is “the art of going with another’s momentum.” He shows how to do this by providing the answers to the questions all parents get like “I’m bored,” “Are we there yet?” and “I hate you!”

Two nitpicks. First, there are a few religious references. I wish this had been omitted because religion is a hot issue and the book’s concepts fly well without the religious quotes or references. Using these unnecessarily limits the book’s reach as people who skim the book might get the impression it’s only for Christian parents. It’s not.

The second is not an issue, but rather a want for more examples of using the ScreamFree approach. The stories in the book explain the concept very well and having more would enhance the book’s usefulness.

When I told my oldest about the book, she said parents who yell are teaching their kids to yell when they become adults. Deep and accurate insight, as we’ve seen many children grow up to pick up their parents’ bad habits. Overwhelmed parents can begin with one step by picking one situation that pushes their buttons and applying the ScreamFree approach until they get the hang of it. Runkel doesn’t pressure the reader and the concepts are doable.

Title: ScreamFree Parenting
Author: Hal Edward Runkel
Publisher: Oakmont Publishing
ISBN: 0975998110
Date: March 2005
Format: Paperback
Pages: 256
Cover Price: USD: $19.95 Amazon: $14.42

“But why???” the child asks.

“Because I said so,” says Mom.

I’ve been on both sides of this conversation. This second answer, however, doesn’t satisfy my oldest, who presses for details. Then, I have to respond, “You don’t have to know everything.” Still, I’m sure every mother has said this famous phrase. This book has 33 stories written by 33 intelligent women who happen to be mothers.

Stories cover the gamut of breaking cultural rules, losing a successful business and starting over, dealing with divorce, moving to a foreign country and leaving your children behind, facing a difficult situation when the kids love the nanny as much as the mother, and other topics that many of us would never dream of confronting. For those who have faced such situations, these stories remind us we’re not alone.

I don’t know how to do these stories justice with this review. I feel like a friend sitting across from the author of the story, telling her tale as if I were her best friend because of the intimate details she shares. The stories don’t have a hint of whining children, male bashing, or “woe is me” moaning. After reading a story, don’t be surprised if you wish you could meet the author and become her friend.

Instead, meet a Muslim woman who deals with the stigma of having a child out of wedlock in “The Scarlet Letter Z.” Meet a woman whose father killed himself when she was young and she didn’t find out till eight years later — then her own husband was killed leaving her a widow at 34-years-old with a child on the way in “On Giving Hope.” Meet a woman who arranged to have a dinner with her husband at a five-star restaurant and everything prior to the event goes wrong as she explains, “Why I Can Never Go Back to the French Laundry.”

Mothers sometimes feel disconnected like their lives are all about their children and their activities. Reconnect by reading these essays and take strength in knowing there are smart women who happen to have the title of Mom added to their list of roles and accomplishments. They talk about motherhood beyond sleepless nights, potty training, carpooling, or food battles.

Read stories about autism, spousal abuse, growing up, babysitters, dolls, parents-to-be from different races, and a single woman having two children by artificial insemination. Expect to learn life lessons from these stories as these women have grown from experiencing life. You might walk away with something you didn’t have before reading the book.

I am stunned by some of the revelations as I can’t imagine admitting such things to a friend much less to a faceless public, which no doubt includes family and friends. The honesty reminds us that it’s OK to feel or think this way — it doesn’t make us bad, just human.

The essays vary in length so a mom can squeeze a little reading between feedings, a few minutes before going to sleep, while waiting in the carpool line, or during lunch break. Any time spent with this book is gratifying and worth every minute.

Title: Because I Said So
Author: Camille Peri and Kate Moses
Publisher: HarperCollins
ISBN: 0060598786
Date: May 2005
Format: Hardcover
Pages: 400
Cover Price: USD: $24.95 Amazon: $16.47